How To Tell If You Are In A Nicholas Sparks Novel by Alyson Kissner

Alyson Kissner is a poet from Vancouver, Canada, and a recent graduate from the University of Edinburgh. She has most recently published in The Toast, Nailed Magazine, and tNY Press, as well as being featured on The University of East Anglia’s New Writers website.


How To Tell If You Are In A Nicholas Sparks Novel


It is summer and you have fallen in love.

You know you are in love because sometimes you hate each other, and that’s how you know you are in love, you know?

Your name is Katie or Katelyn or Katherine or Kate.

You are white and heterosexual.

You are staying in a small seaside town that is quite unlike the city where you’ve lived your entire life.

Everyone in this town is white and heterosexual.

You are living or wish to live in a rundown house that is somehow romantic and isn’t infested with rats.

Your lover’s partner is dead or abusive.

It is strongly implied you have had an encounter with a ghost. This does not unnerve you.

That beautiful man is from the military.

Someone has written a series of letters that will change your life.

You will become involved in a spontaneous instance of passionate love making without ever having discussed methods of birth control or asked your partner about their sexual past.

Someone close to you is dying of a terrible disease.

Somehow, there are horses.

The sexiest person in town has a son or a daughter with whom you develop a close relationship.

A bad man has drunk too much alcohol.

Your mother just doesn’t understand.

Don’t worry, you’re still white.

You won’t die alone.

Alyson can be reached at her Twitter handle @alykissner for questions, concerns, or sizeable donations.