Tom Gillespie is a Scottish-born writer now living in exile in Bath, England. His debut novel, Painting by Numbers, was a Finalist in the People’s Book Prize for Literature, 2013. His short stories have been published worldwide. He is currently working on his third novel and also on a collaborative arts project with fellow Scottish writers and artists. He is a graduate of Glasgow University, and alongside his writing habit he works as an English Lecturer.
Where Was I?
That’s where ah wis but ah’m no there noo. Must be six months or mair. Keep up. Where the fuck’s yer heed? Ah’m oot at Struthers an’ Tipp noo, where Big John works. Oh come on, ye know Big John. John wae the dug wae wan ear. Whitshisname? The cunt that borrowed yer golf clubs an’ never gied ye them back. Him. Anyway. It’s no that bad up there. No a lot in it tae be honest. Ah’m oan wan o’ they new flexitime contracts where they can gie ye the shunt whenever it suits them. Ah’m no that bothered. It’s no like ah wis the fuckin’ CEO at ma auld place, an’ their pishy contract wasnae worth the shite it wis written wae. Who wur they kiddin wae their fuckin’ package o’ fuckin’ benefits shite? The work’s fine an’ the team ah’m wae ur awright. An’ at the end o’ the day, a blocked shitter is a blocked shitter. Com si com sa.
So where huv ye been hidin’ then? Huv ye been a naughty boy again? Mary said she saw ye in Asda wae anithir wummin. Ur you an’ Carol oan the scrapper? If yis ur, yer in big trouble, young man. Ye’ll be hard pushed tae land anyone else daft enough tae pit up wae your pish.
Did ah tell ye ah goat ma results back on Tuesday? The doacter says ah hufty cut doon on the smokes afore he’ll refer me tae the hoaspital. It’s anuff tae drive ye tae an early grave. He’s pit me oan they stupit patches an’ the gum, an’ ah’ve boat wan o‘ they plug in peace pipes but ah canny work the fuckin’ thing. Ah’ll be fucked if ah let that stuck up overpaid ringpiece tell me whit a should an’ shoudnae dae wae ma ain fuckin’ lungs.
Still, needs must an’ awe that.
That reminds me. If yer efter a bit o’ cash there might be sum work goin’ up at Struthers an’ Tipp. Don’t gie me that look. Ye don’t need tae know anythin’ aboot plumbin’, they’re always efter folk tae clean oot the tanks at their plant at Uddingston. If ye let me know where ye ur noo, ah kin pass oan yer details, if ye want me tae. Just gees a ring when ye get hame.